Never walk alone

Freedom

2009-12-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

I've not updated this recently, not because nothing’s happened (far from it); rather I've not been sure exactly what to write.
Gods been showing and teaching me so much lately, however they're things I'd find difficult to put into words. Like flakes of snow, so small in themselves, yet every one adding to the other to form something larger and much more noticeable.
It's like Gods been doing lots of little bits and pieces in me, one week it's one thing the next it's something else.
He will show me one area or a certain word for a while and then it will be something different, yet each stage seems to link and join up with the last in some way. And that's something that continues to amaze me, and really convince me that God is so in control of all this, that as I look back the things He's telling me now tie in so perfectly with the things He's shown me in the past.
It's like many angles of one ball, all being sculptured and brought to light at different times until one day I shall stand complete in the very image of the One I live to serve :)

I found a few short video clips, of a revival that happened around 15 years ago in the Philippines, recently that have encouraged me no end.
Some would say these people were out of control and driven by emoticon, but one look into their faces, the joy, the total devotion and adoration towards Jesus would surely dismiss such claims.
To see people unafraid to dance with all their might, laugh, cry, and just let God have His way in their lives is so beautiful.
And it's given me a hunger, a hunger to see more of God, to see more of His Spirit, to see Him have His way totally in my life and the lives of those around me.
I will no longer settle for anything less than that.

Any less than to see the church as she should be, to see my life as it should be.
To read of what God has done in times gone by, in other areas of the world, and other churches is encouraging and instills hope, but I'm not just happy to read the stories, I must live this!
I wrote three months ago of the new thing God was outworking in our church, and I'm so glad of that, and since that time I have seen change, compared to several months ago our church has come on miles, yet it is still so far off where it ought to be.

I long with all my heart for the Spirit to be given complete control, for all the restrictions to be taken off.
Why is it so easy to give the Spirit freedom in measure, yet never venture far from our comfort zone, and never lose too much control?
It's like everything is geared to reaching a point in our meetings where God begins to move amongst us, but as soon as He does it's on to the next thing, where does that leave God?
Surely that should be the starting point rather than the climax anticipated?

But no more. I've learnt over the years that prayer does change things, and does change hearts.
I am my Beloveds, and He is mine, and He shall build His church!
To just return to the simplicity of walking in the Spirit and letting Him takeover and lead, that's my hearts desire at this time.

Really it's so very simple, revival is so so simple, give God time and space to move and He will.

Sea of faces

2009-10-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

And In Your eyes I can see
And in Your arms I will be
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces

Lyrics from a song by Kutless.

There's a tendency to just see people as faces, walking down the street as the faces go by, often never to be seen again.

I often think it's almost like a film or book. I can be watching or reading about a character and for a moment take on that role myself, imagining myself in that persons place taking on the emotions and feelings, longing for there to be a happy ending.

A good author has that ability, to describe details so well that for a while at least the reader can enter that realm of fiction.

But that extends into the real world to, it's only as we begin to form relationships that we discover that there's more than just a face, there's a person and a story behind that mask, and to be let into part of a persons life like that is a tremendous privilege really.

The last few weeks I've really been under attack, and not just me alone but those I care about around me.

It's like when God moves it stirs up things that have lain dormant, and along side the beauty the ugly side of people seems to rise to the surface.

However I know my God is so faithful, and I'm certain that He who started a good work will surely finish it :)

I was reading Song of Solomon the other day and it talks about us ravishing Gods heart with just one look of our eyes.

What an amazing statement that is, we just glance up and it melts the very heart of God, such love.

Such incredible love!

Lost For Words...

2009-09-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Well not quite or else there would be no post! However to describe exactly where I'm at and what I feel God is doing right now would be simply impossible.

It's been a while since writing anything here, and there's a lot of gaps that really should be filled in, but I have neither the time nor the motivation to start that right now.

Suffice to say God has done an awful lot in the last month, time after time He's lead me into situations that have resulted in amazing conversations, demonstrations of His power, and most importantly the glory of His name.

I've had times of such immense joy, and also times when that joy has been overshadowed by loneliness, but in the words of an Eritrean friend of mine 'God is good, God is good, God is good!'.

Holiness seems to be the word of the last few weeks, to seek a revelation of how Holy God really is.

It's easy to soften the attributes of God to make Him appear more approachable and 'nice' and fit our idea of what a god should be.

But there is a sense of awe and wonder, a sense of being undone and lost for words, a fear of the Lord.

Yes God is loving, merciful, faithful, a Father and also a friend, and through Jesus we can approach Him boldly and confidently; but God is also holy, righteous, pure, with a tremendous hatred and wrath towards sin.

It's only with that backdrop that we can really start to appreciate exactly what Jesus accomplished on that cross.

This last Sunday was truly amazing. In the morning the worship was so charged and anointed. We were called to go forward and gather at the front for communion whilst we worshipped, I was totally lost in God when my dad placed his hand on my head, only for a second, and shouted 'Hallelujah!', at that moment I felt power rush through my body, almost like electricity, I could barely keep my balance after I kept staggering almost falling over. Then after a few minuets one of the elders started praying over me and said 'Just let go' (strange as those were the exact words I'd heard a few weeks back at RAW, that I needed to let go and worship would be the key to that) and I collapsed to the floor.

I've never experienced that before, I just lay there as God ministered to me, I could feel Him all over me it was an amazing experience.

I made it back to my seat after a bit, in rather a daze, just as the preacher started speaking, every word hitting home so hard.

I thought 'God you've blown me away this morning' but if I thought He'd done that in the morning the evening was going to just about finish me off!...

Often in our church sadly Sunday nights tend to be more dry than the mornings, fewer people go and the worship is often cut short to keep the meeting from being to long.

But straight from the start the night was anointed. You could feel Gods presence so heavily, the young people were on their knees crying (that does not happen in our church usually!), it was just an incredible atmosphere of worship.

You could feel the glory of God pressing down so heavily that half way through I had to leave the room for a few minuets, I was just so overwhelmed.

My dad was due to speak that night but he went up to and just stood there for five minuets, before saying 'I can't speak tonight, I feel I have no license from God to break into what he's doing here', so we just worshipped the whole evening.

Last night the prayer meeting was amazing, I really believe God is doing a new thing in our church and a new thing in me, and I'm so excited about it!

I've felt like I've been walking on clouds the last few days, God is answering my prayers yet again, oh wow my God is good! :)

RAW

2009-08-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a week now since returning from 'RAW', a christian youth event run by the Jesus Army in Northampton.

It was an amazing experience, far better than I expected. Four or five hundred young people with such a passion and zeal for God; full of the Spirit, moving in the gifts of the Spirit so readily, just totally sold out and on fire for Jesus. Encouraging to say the least!

God spoke to me in quite a few small ways, not that I even went with any particular questions.

I was originally planning to go alone but in the end took a friend along who ended up getting baptised, which was just the icing on the cake for me :)

Whilst we were there we stayed in a local community house, and what struck me more than anything was the tremendous love and warmth I felt there, I don't think I've felt love that strong from a group of people before.

It's hard to believe the bond you can build with people over just a few days, I felt like I was leaving my family behind when it was time to return home.

Since getting back I've been struggling a bit. A combination of trying to settle back in to 'normal' life (not that a christians' life should ever really be normal!), being a little overtired, and discovering some things sting more than expected. Just feeling very insecure really, it's like something that sits there just waiting to pounce and creeps in so easily.

A guy prayed over me whilst I was away and mentioned worship and how as I worshipped I'd breakthrough, and I believe that's a word for now.

I've learned from experience that when I worship God my focus is on Him and not myself, and everything else, insecurity, fear, rejection, whatever it may be fades away.

The joy of the Lord is my strength, and I have no intention of letting the devil rob from me all that God has taught and shown me over the last few weeks! :)

The Wall

2009-07-17T04:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've found the motivation to update this, but now I have a bit of spare time I'll give it a try.

The other day I decided to do something a little but crazy, and more than a little bit challenging, to be precise bike 24 miles to go get a milkshake, a very nice McDonalds' milkshake at that!

There was honestly more behind it than merely the milkshake though, it was my step of faith, to do something only possible in Gods strength.

The most I've biked before is maybe 5 miles, to bike that far in my own strength at the moment would be impossible for me, but God showed His provision.

A while back God made me a promise, He said 'Whatever you put you're hand to I will give you the strength to do it'.

Half way there I felt so ill and faint, I'd forgotten how many hills were on the way and as I came up to a very big one my heart sank! But I reminded myself of Gods promise, prayed and felt considerably better after. David running towards the giant came into my mind, if God is for me what can be against me?!

All the way back from that journey God seemed to be saying 'Didn't I tell you?, Didn't I tell you?', yes He told me and yes He came through for me yet again! :)

The more I see the more I believe, with God with me nothing will ever be impossible, and no enemy will ever win!

Walls seem to be a big theme at the moment. Right back in January God spoke to me in two parts, the second part was that I'd break down strongholds and build up walls that are broken.

I can't say I really understood that fully at the time, and still don't, but since then similar words seem to be popping up all over the place.

A few weeks ago a friend had a picture of a city, the walls that were meant to be protecting the city were in a state of ruin. Along the walls were towers, some totally dilapidated, others fairly intact, but the walls between them were in ruins.

The towers represented individual churches, the city the church as a whole, and the walls protecting the city and linking the towers were broken down. We were outside the city trying to draw people in, but who would want to enter a city in such a state?

Then a couple of days ago I felt lead to read Nehemiah 4 for no apparent reason, and 2 verses just jumped out at me:

⁷ But when Sanballat, Tobiah, the Arabs, the Ammonites and the men of Ashdod heard that the repairs to Jerusalem's walls had gone ahead and that the gaps were being closed, they were very angry. ⁸ They all plotted together to come and fight against Jerusalem and stir up trouble against it.

I'm not sure what all this means, or what my place in it is, but it's like Gods drawing everything together, I love how God does that!

He knows everything, and puts everything into place so perfectly.

Apart from all that my heart feels a little lonely at the moment. But I know God has everything in hand, and I trust He will make everything beautiful in my life, He always has and I know He always will! :)

Holiday!

2009-06-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah that's right today I'll be off on holiday, the first time for eight years! Looking back I have just so have much to praise God for, where I am today, what I have today, who I have today, none of it would of been possible if it wasn't for Him.

Sometimes it's easy to be so caught up in the future that you forget all the great and mighty things God has already done, just looking back the last year I'm totally amazed.

The things God has done in me, what He's doing in the youth and my church it's just awesome, and it's all things I once prayed for but never really noticed happening until I look back and see just how much God has done.

It will be nice just to get away for a bit. The last week or two have been tough, I've just felt so attacked really.

Thoughts of fear and rejection seem to be bombarding me all the time, and just stupid things like being woken up in the night and struggling to sleep, I hate sleep but unfortunately I need it!

Gods caused me to stand pretty strong in it all, but it still seems to wear me down, the constant lies the devil seems to whisper in my ear.

I've learnt to stand on the truth of Gods word in those times though, the devil is a liar but God is Truth!

The devil may tell me I'm rejected but my God says that I'm accepted in the beloved, adopted into Gods' family, and made everything in Christ Jesus! The devil stands there shouting rejected, yet he is the essence of rejection himself, cast out of heaven and rejected by God.

He may tell me to be afraid but does not God say perfect love casts out all fear, and does not perfect Love dwell in me? And does it not say that it is in fact the demons who fear and tremble?! The only weapon the devil has against me is words, and Gods' word says no power of the enemy shall by any means harm me. His words are lies, and nothing but weapons to use against him.

He stands there trying to make my heart fear yet he is the picture of fear itself, while I have been set free and made accepted, clothed in righteousness, and seated in heavenly places with Jesus!

So I will dance on that mountaintop, because as always my Gods made a way and is making a way, and nothing the devil does shall stop that! :)

My Rock

2009-05-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

This weeks been strange really, I've had some good times but it's been a bit of a roller coaster.

I've felt up at times and down at others, and that's not me, at least it shouldn't be me...

Gods really been teaching me the importance of walking in His peace at all times, and a lot of the time I have been, what changed this week I'm really not sure.

But every time I've took some time out, just me and God; talked to Him, praised Him, read His word, listened to Him, I've felt so much better after. Maybe I'm learning something after all!

It's like things come along and block my vision, but as soon as I look back to Jesus everything becomes clear again.

I'm realising that I can't afford to let anything steal that peace from me, emotions, people, things, because God is my Rock and I need to keep my eyes on Him.

I've also been amazed looking back at how faithful God has been. Prayers I've prayed that have been answered without me even realising, and looking back I see how God has provided time and time again.

The people He's sent into my life, the ways He's used me without me even realising, it's like

Gods placed His hand print on my life. As I look over my life it's like a stick of rock with the name stamped all the way through it, just rather than a seaside town it's Jesus, He's been there, He's brought me through, He's brought things together and worked things out to the exact detail!

I want to be like Stephen when he was brought up before the court, they made false accusations, sought to kill him, but it says He looked up and saw Jesus!

How quickly everything makes sense when we just look at Jesus!

I know God has good plans for me, I know He wants to use me, I want to be in that place where He can.

I seek to be in that place of peace, looking to Him all the time, knowing He's the rock beneath my feet, the one who lifts up my head and makes me everything I am.

Because without Him what am I? And with Him what can't I do?

Surrender

2009-05-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

A word that can so painful and hard yet so beautiful.

To be in that place of total peace, total surrender, where nothing else matters but Jesus.

It seems a word that God is telling me more and more lately. I'll get to a point where I feel there can be nothing else left to surrender, yet God will reveal whole new areas of my life I never even really knew existed.

The peace and stillness that comes from that is so wonderful though!

Jesus said "Not My will but Your will be done", and that's the prayer of my life to.

What good are dreams and plans when God's are better, He's promised that all things will work together for the good of those who love Him, and He's promised that His plans for us are good!

Just to come, in total trust, and surrender everything, knowing He will provide for all my needs and that He will use me for His purpose and His glory.

All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all.

All to You, my blessed Savior, I surrender all

Dancing on the mountain tops

2009-05-16T03:40:00.000-07:00

I just read another blog which encouraged me so much! It reminded me of something God showed me a while back.

Song of Solomon 2:8

The voice of my beloved!

      Behold, he comes
      Leaping upon the mountains,
      Skipping upon the hills.
       ⁹ My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

Psalm 18:33 He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places

I love how God is described here as leaping on the mountains, and skipping upon the hills. Mountains that might seemed so huge, so daunting, yet here comes my beloved, here comes my God dancing on them! Why is it things that seem so huge look like nothing as soon as we see God. And what's more in the next few verses God calls out to His beloved saying "come with Me".

"Yes the mountains may have seemed huge but I'm going to teach you how to leap and skip on them just like Me!"

Then it talks about the mountains and the hill breaking forth before us!

God has made a way where there was the way, and I'm going to run with Him, and as for those mountains well they are just going to fall down all around me, for God is making a way!

Oh to be so on fire for God!

2009-05-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

"Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade"

I'm totally in love with so many of Casting Crowns lyrics at the moment, they really have so much truth behind them!

Why is it so much of the church get on with their lives, and the world is left unchanged?

I'm fairly outgoing in witnessing but how come I can look back over a week and often see such few lives impacted, if any...

Jesus went about and peoples lives were changed everywhere he went, people were saved, healed, demons cast out, the dead were raised... and didn't Jesus say we would do all those things, and greater things also?!

"But if we are the body

Why aren't His arms reaching?

Why aren't His hands healing?

Why aren't His words teaching?"

"So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life

With Your fire in my eyes

But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words

What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again

Talkin 'bout the rain

And mulling over things that won't live past today

And as I dance around the truth

Time is not his friend

This might be my last chance to tell him

That You love Him

But here I go again, here I go again"

I've just finished reading a book about the wife of a well known minister. What struck me more than anything was the leading of God, how God would lead them in every single step they took.

As one door would close another would open, each time seeming more and more impossible, but God always made a way!

I want to be in that place where I'm totally available to God using me, and totally open to the leading of His Spirit.

That every word I speak, that everything I do, everywhere I go would glorify Him.

It's often far easier to wait for God to move, even when He is waiting for us!

To pray for God to move in a mighty way, to send revival, when all along revival is waiting for us, and God is waiting for us to be in that place of availability and surrender.

To pray for God to heal, when God has told us to stretch out our hands, yes in His power, but we are the ones who have been given the authority and instructed to go out and do it.

It seems far easier to pray for that blind lady and ask God to touch her, afterall if nothing happens Gods in control and it's all in his hands? But what if we layed hands on her and commanded her eyes to be whole, that seems far more risky... what if it didn't work! Yet isn't that what the apostles did, isn't that what Jesus did? Isn't that what Jesus told us to do?!

A while back God gave me a word of prophecy for my church:

You ask Me to send the fire, you ask Me to send revival but I have already poured out My Spirit upon you.

Why cry to me for what I have given you, why ask for what you have recieved.

You must surrender your life to my Spirit, you must let my Spirit consume every part of your life.

For as you surrender to my Spirit and you let my fire consume your life, then that fire will spread, that fire will spread throughout this nation and the nations of the world, then revival will come, then the world will see my glory.

But this will only happen as you surrender every part of your life to my spirit.

Dieing's hard, but I know it's only as die to self that Gods Spirit can fill me, and I know it's only as I step out in faith that I will see Gods power at work.

Why is it that first step can seem so hard, I feel so alone like it all rests on me and I'm taking a step into a big hole with noone to catch me... but then after I take that step God takes over so mighitly.

If we are filled with Gods Spirit we are equipped to do all we could ever need. We have a fire on the inside of us that's capable of changeing lives, and destroying everything the devil would seek to build up in our lives and others. We need nothing more, just to surrender to Gods Spirit and be willing to step out in faith! For God goes before us, behind us, and lives inside of us!

  Isaiah 58:5 Is it a fast that I have chosen,
      A day for a man to afflict his soul?
      Is it to bow down his head like a bulrush,
      And to spread out sackcloth and ashes?
      Would you call this a fast,
      And an acceptable day to the LORD?
       6 “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
      To loose the bonds of wickedness,
      To undo the heavy burdens,
      To let the oppressed go free,
      And that you break every yoke?
       ⁷ Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
      And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
      When you see the naked, that you cover him,
      And not hide yourself from your own flesh?
       ⁸ Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
      Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
      And your righteousness shall go before you;
      The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
       ⁹ Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
      You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’

A special someone

2009-05-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

I am so bad at making decisions I will think and think and think over the smallest of things!

Just something like choosing clothes, this t shirt or that one, in the end I'll just buy both, but then which one do I wear.... Four biscuits all looking so nice but which do I eat, I know I'll just eat all four and take another of the nicest ones, it's a great guide to eating lots of biscuits! :p

The bible talks about a double minded man, a guy who asks but doubts, and can't make his mind up, it says that man will receive nothing from God...

Really I'm not that bad, I just like to be sure. I want to make sure things are Gods will for me, and that my decisions are in line with His. However sometimes I feel we have to take a step forward before God guides the next. As I've heard before God can steer a moving vehicle, but the vehicle has to be moving in the first place! Paul would sometimes plan to go to an area to preach, but God would tell Him "No not there, go here", but he didn't just sit there waiting for direction before he did anything.

Anyway I'm rambling, and getting completely away from what the theme of this post is, or should that be who the theme is...

The thing is I like somebody, I like her alot.

More than anything I love her heart, her desire for God, and desire to please Him with her life, even when everything may look so bleak.

And I'd like to ask her out, but I'm afraid...

I'm afraid that she will say no!

I'm scared that if she said yes I wouldn't act right, or be what a boyfriend is meant to be. I've never had a girlfriend, well not since first school lol. I never really had much chance while I was ill, but I probably wouldn't have anyway. I've always believed in trusting God to find the perfect person for me, and never saw much point in dating loads of people for no real purpose.

But now I'm worried I just wouldn't be whatever it is a boyfriend should be...

And most of all I'm scared that if things didn't work out I'd end up hurting someone that means so much to me, and end up loosing a friendship I really value.

I know if I tried to tell her all this face to face I'd only end up rambling on and totally fail at explaining myself!

I know if she did happen to say yes I'd be all I could to her, and God would be the rest

Perfect peace

2009-05-05T05:49:00.000-07:00

I love Gods peace so much, it goes so beyond common sense and logic!

There have been times I've been so upset and worried, full of questions and concerns with no idea what the future holds. I'll go to God and it's like suddenly things no longer matter, my questions may not have been answered, in fact nothings changed at all, yet God will give me such a peace and rest.

There's a old song that goes:

'Turn your eyes upon Jesus... Look full in His wonderful face... And the things of earth will grow strangely dim... In the light of His glory and grace'

And it's so so true. It's like when you meet with God there's a faith that comes, a knowing that everything will work out. All the questions no longer seem to matter.

You hear people say "When I get to heaven I will ask God this thing, and that thing", but I think when we are in front of God every question will fade away, and we will just be left in total awe!

The question is how long does that peace last? I wish I could live it in it constantly, it's surely possible. But a minute, hour, even a few days later I find myself thinking where did that total peace and rest in God go. I find myself living in it alot more than I did, looking back a year or so ago, but to remain in that place always...

To be in that place where I let nothing take my eyes off Jesus, and learn to see everything through His eyes.

Jesus said He only did that which He saw His Father do, to be so in tune with God that every word I speak, everything I do, even every breath I take would be in Gods will, for Him to be glorified in everything!

Isaiah 55:12

For you shall go out with joy,

      And be led out with peace;
      The mountains and the hills
      Shall break forth into singing before you,
      And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

I'm so confused at the moment, my feelings are all over the place, and somewhere amongst it all is what God wants.

I want my desires to be what God desires, I want to see through His eyes, think His thoughts, and most of all right now I want to be led forth in His peace. That peace where there's no room for doubts, no room for fears, just total rest knowing I'm exactly where God wants me.

2009-05-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Part of a song I was just listening to:

"So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life

With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

Chorus:
'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love Him
But here I go again, here I go again"

Empty words?

2009-05-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

Seeing I feel in a blogging kind of mood, if such a mood exists, I intend to make the most of it!

Recently God seems to be really be revealing to me the power of our words.

I'm trying to read my way though the old testament at the moment, and I keep seeing people who put so much importance on what they spoke.

For example there's quite a well known story in Genesis where Jacob dresses up like his brother Esau and tricks his father Isaac into blessing him over Esau.

And when Issac finds out he says the following:

Genesis 27:33 Then Isaac trembled greatly and said, "Then who was it that hunted the animals and brought me food before you came? I ate it, and I blessed him, and it is too late now to take back my blessing."

Now I think of myself in Isaacs' position, my son has decieved me in an attempt to rob what is rightfully his brothers. Surely I'd tell him off and just go and bless the real brother.

Yet Isaac seemed to put so much value on what he'd said that he couldn't take it back, even though he deeply regretted it. Is there something that these people believed that maybe I have put less importance on in the past?

There's an even more extreme case of this later on.

A guy called Jephthah makes probally the most stupid promise to God ever:

Judges 11:30 And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD, and said, “If You will indeed deliver the people of Ammon into my hands, ³¹ then it will be that whatever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the people of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up as a burnt offering.”

Maybe he expected a sheep or bull to walk through his door, he certainlu didn't consider that his only daughter might just walk through that door to greet him!

Judges 11:34 When Jephthah came to his house at Mizpah, there was his daughter, coming out to meet him with timbrels and dancing; and she was his only child. Besides her he had neither son nor daughter. ³⁵ And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he tore his clothes, and said, “Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low! You are among those who trouble me! For I have given my word to the LORD, and I cannot go back on it.”

³⁶ So she said to him, “My father, if you have given your word to the LORD, do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, because the LORD has avenged you of your enemies, the people of Ammon.”

A man having such importance on his words that he sacrifices his only child to keep his promise! And his daughter even seems to agree, she was certainly a lot more understanding than I would have been!

Now i don't fully understand that, but I cetainly see that these were people that believed their words would come to pass.

So then I flip over to the new testament and see verses like this:

Mathew 12:36 But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. ³⁷For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

And James 3 a whole chapter talking about the tongue and the words we speak. It even goes as far as to say that that it's like a ships rudder and the words we speak direct our lives.

Then there's Job who was called a rightouse man, a man who seemed to do nothing wrong. Yet later on Job says 'For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me, And what I dreaded has happened to me'.

Isn't it strange that the very thing he feared came to pass in his life?

All this seems so foreign in a culture where words are thrown about so easily. Where the media seems to only ever tear down others with their words, and we seem to be encouraged to judge and critisise everyone and everything.

If our words contain the power to change things, then gossip no longer becomes harmless.

Could it be that the very things we speak about ourselves and others are the very things we will get?

Jesus said 'all things are possible for those that believe', but the condition on that promise is belief.

Could it be that the only time we fail in what God has planned for us is when we say 'I can't!'

Moses said he couldn't but God showed him where his strength ended, Gods strength began.

I always try to stay positive, I try to never say I can't, because I know in God I can!

But there are times I find myself slipping back into old habbits, I'm learning though...

I just desire to bring life with my words and never death, I want to build up and encourage others, not ever tear them down.

I want my words to be Gods words in my mouth, I want them to bring fruit and life into situations and peoples lives.

Jesus could say that He only did that what he saw His father do, how I long to be in that place one day where I can say the same :)

Where do I stand now?

2009-05-01T03:10:00.000-07:00

That can be hard a hard question to answer sometimes. People ask "So what do you do".

"Do you have a job?" Nope

"Do you go to college/uni then?" Well no

"So what exactly do you do?" Well...

I guess it's really pride, I'd love to give a normal answer, a answer that showed I did actually do something with my life!

In truth I live one day at a time, or at least try to! Why can it be so hard to do that sometimes? Is it something common to all people, to want to jump ahead and plan the future, or is that just me?

I'm still recovering from so many years of nothing. Physically, although I often ignore it at my own cost, I'm not as strong as I should be, even if a thousand times better than I was in the past I still do tire quicker.

Really I do alot now, at least comparing my life to how it was. I'm out six nights a week, with things at the church and youth clubs, spend two half days helping in a cafe, and another day pretty much occupied with activities at church, piano lessons and a lunchtime club in a school I've started helping with.

At the moment it's really just enough, and most importantly I know I'm in the place God wants me, and I know as long as I stay there He will provide all the strength I need.

Then there's the whole social side of life, and all the emoticons that go along with that.

Six years and everyone seems to have grown up and moved on in life, all except me!

And that can hurt so much, it's so easy to start looking back and thinking, all those years gone...

And meanwhile the worlds moved on, all my old friends have left for uni, college or work, one of my best friends as a child has even married.

How do I even begin to relate to people when all I've known is God and the inside of my bedroom for so long. I'd find myself on the edge of crying, 'God I need friends, I need relationships, yeah your called the God who is more than enough for all my needs, but I want friends to share stuff with, to have fun with, talk to, laugh with'.

And afterwards I'd always come back to that place of such awesome peace knowing God was in control, until I was put back into a situation where I felt it all over again, the heartbreak of wanting such a simple thing.

I did learn one thing though, how important it is to be God conscience and not self conscience, the moment I'd start looking at others or myself rather than the very God who bought me through, and is bring me through, so much then I'd fall back into that place of pain.

Now I look back a year or so and I see my prayers and cries answered yet again. It's like I didn't even notice it happening, but through different things God has just brought everything together.

I have friends now, even met up with a few old ones, I feel part of the youth group at church, and the weirdest thing is the very people I feel I can't relate to are the very age I seem to be working more and more with.

What with youth clubs and even dipping my toes in school work, it's like God's directing me into things that seemed so unlikely not so long ago.

So that's really where I'm at at the moment, even if it does make a rather long answer to the question "so what do you do?" !

I still want more, Gods still got so much more to change in me, but His timing is so perfect, He makes everything slot together just right.

One thing that God promised me when I was ill, and someone prayed over me last year was:

Joel 2:25 So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,

And I will hold onto that promise! :)

Why Jesus is so mega in my life!

2009-05-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like writing this all over again, so I'll copy my first post from elsewhere:

"I first came to know Jesus when I was really young, being brought up in a christian home ever since I remember I always believed in God.
I was about 4 when I actually gave my life to Jesus, I asked Him to forgive me and come into my life, yeah I was young but I knew I loved Jesus and I wanted to follow him the rest of my life!

What followed was 15 years of ups and downs, just like any life really, but throughout it all I had the most faithful friend and God in my life.

School was good, I liked it, but I also liked Jesus, and towards the end of 1st school starting middle school at 9, I started to get bullied for it a fair bit.
At times I let it get to me, at other times I trusted God through those times and He brought me through them.
I met some great friends that helped to, and even though I sometimes got scared, I learned the hard way God is a faithful God.
Around year 7 or so things began to calm down abit, some people still really hated me, some still do lol, but things had calmed down alot.

It was around that time that God told me that I was to remember how he had brought me through this time as I was going to go through something worse, but I wasn't to worry because as he had brought me through the bullying so He would this.
I was like 'oh something worse that's great to know lol!', for a month or so after every little thing that went wrong I thought 'this is going to be it!' but it never was, so I just put the thought aside.

It was around 6 months later when that much worse thing started to happen.
I'd had the flu kinda bad, had had 6 weeks off school because of it, but started feeling better so returned to school.
The problem was it left me feeling constantly tired and at times feeling faint.
I tried to hide it at school, pride I guess, but rather than getting better it started getting worse, till in the end I was only going to school in the mornings.
By my last year of middle school I was only going to 1 or 2 lessons, and soon after couldn't go at all.
I was diagonsed with a condition that meant I didn't produce enough energy in my body, there's no known cure but over years and years you gradually do get better, but it's always very slow and gradual.
The worse you have it the longer it takes and I had it pretty bad.

I constantly got worse, was feeling more and more sick, having to sleep longer.
I'd always been fairly active, I enjoyed running, now I struggled to even walk.

For a year or so of that time (hard to be specific as alot of that time is really a blur) I was sleeping 23 hours a day, couldn't walk, I could barely talk or swallow food.
Things really couldn't get much worse, and it was in that time God reminded me of His promise to me.
Although I learnt things through that time I knew it was never Gods will I was sick, and always trusted He'd heal me.

When things were at there worse God stepped in and did a series of miracles in my life.
At the start they were small things, but massive to me.
I hadn't been able to read or see a TV screen clearly, and God told me to try it and I now could.
I couldn't grip things, not even a pencil, God said to do it and I did.
Then one night I had a dream and God spoke to me saying how He was going to lead me to new places, and how this period of time was coming to an end.
And I woke up and God told me to walk, and I walked!
In the natural that does not happen with what I had everything's gradual, but God made sure He got the glory and did it instantly.

So yeah Jesus is huge to me, He's the reason I live, and the reason I will continue to live!

Thx for reading, and if you don't know Him you really should, you seriously will not regret it ^^ "